Shop-o-holic!

Hi everyone...my name is Gams...("Hi, Gams!")...and I am a Shop-o-holic! I admit it...it's taken over my life, especially when they have programs that make my addiction soooo much easier to feed...like PHOTOFUNIA, which has image recognition and does most of the work for you...which is how I ended up with this collection of potential GAM-O-RAMA headers! Which one do YOU like best?

 

......And then...this happened!

Good Heavens.....

...has it really been over a month since I've GAM-O-RAMA'd?? I even missed my annual PRIDE POST, which breaks my heart! Good thing my archives are filled to bursting with a good five years worth of fun! Every blogger needs a break now and then. For now, I'll try to get you up to speed.

As usual, I've been up to no good in my bad wig! First, I skipped out on the last month of my lease so I could immediately move into my dream apartment (dreams can come true!) Seriously, I basically sneaked out on a Sunday, dropped the keys in the rent box, left my mattress behind the dumpster and called it a day...a good day! Trashy, I know, but at least now I'm happy as a clam...if a clam can be happy, that is.

The following weekend I hosted a "Wine Toss" game at a local Arts Auction Gala! Three rings for 10 bucks and if you ring a bottle, you get to keep it. I was drinking a little of that wine, too, and giving everybody shit, not realizing that these were the city bigwigs and I shouldn't have said that to the Mayor...but how was I to know the Mayor was a young lady?? (Well, not exactly YOUNG young! Younger than me...but who isn't these days?) In any case, we sold a couple cases worth of wine and I got a great big round of applause at the fabulous dinner party that followed. In typical fashion, I stood and blew Hollywood kisses...Thank you all! (especially you, Mayor) Mwahhhhh! MWAHHHH!

The next bee I got in my bonnet was inspired by RuPaul's Drag Race and I thought, if Mama Ru can be an ordained minister and throw impromptu weddings, why can't I? So, friends and sinners, I am now, officially, an Ordained Minister! You may now call me REVEREND GAMS GALORE!

In the State of Washington I can marry ya or bury ya...your choice. Remember, I put the 'fun' in 'Funeral'!

My plan is to buy an old bus and put together a traveling show...THE REVEREND GAMS GALORE and HER TRAVELING MENSTRUAL SHOW! (That's a play on words, folks...and a good one!)

Can I get a 'Hallelujah'?

A Very Buttry Halloween

Enjoy this thrilling adventure from the fantasy files of deep, dark, and dramatic...Buttry Brown!!

WARNING! Not for the faint of heart!!! (...and if you're at all opposed to the term "Honky" then I'd suggest skipping this one...)

Prancercise!

WHAT-cercise?? Of course you've seen the absolute latest exercise craze, finding its way all over the interwebs with over 6 million YouTube views...PRANCERCISE! Do you love to dance? Do you love to prance? Do you love to have people point and laugh at you? Well then, strap on some ankle weights and get ready to rock and roll, babaay!

Four On The Floor

Darlings, I don't need to remind you how nostalgic I am about 80's fitness videos! The fashions...the hair...the moves that practically guaranteed repetitive motion injury! Sigh...weren't those the days??

So I was thrilled to find this exclusive 80's workout for you fellas that I'm just sure you'll want to watch  (probably safer not to actually try)...over and over again!!  The deep-throated, sexist narration alone is worth your precious time and attention! Trust me!!

Warning!  Please consult your physician if you're not sure your heart can take this!

Whew!  Well, I'm certainly sweaty now, how about you?? After that, I think we all need a nice, smoggy c-o-o-l-d-o-w-n...whaddaya say??

Whoa, Nelly!

Recently unearthed footage of me in my old college days...when I was known as "Nelly Kelly"...partying with my Sorority Sisters! Some things never change, folks, because this totally reminds of this New Year's Eve, when, once again, I was called on to kick up my heels and get the party started!

Danse de Dior

In this beautifully choreographed gang-bang of a Danse Apache, watch in awe as gorgeous Merian Ganjou gets bossed around and tossed around...yet still comes up smiling!

Here are the Dior Dancers, darlings!

Scandal!

My pal Dr.Steve has been at it again! Through the magic of photo developing, innocent pics of local kids at play, taken around Belltown...including the night of my Grotto-A-Go-Go party, where he captured Fifi Kalamata leading the Conga line!...have developed into seemingly more scandalous snaps....Look!

C'est Cicely!

Time again for another thrilling Danse Apache! This one features a little lady by the name of Cicely Courtneidge, an actress and comedienne who has just become my newest idol! Look at her go!



How about that for some stage combat? What fortitude! Cicely started her career in 1911, performing in Edwardian musical comedies popular at the time. During WWI,she frequented those racy music halls, learning the comedy craft and playing in a variety of comic operas and revues. The fabulous thing about her is that she was able to maintain her popularity throughout most of the century, celebrating an amazing 70 years on the stage in 1971 and continuing on five more years until finally retiring. What a gal!

Here's what they thought of Miss Cicely when she hit her stride in 1918...There was about her a buoyancy and gaiety, an indefinable zest, which held the attention. With her tuneful voice, forceful humour, and vital personality, no one knew better how to get the right song across to an audience. Gee..that sounds alot like Gams Galore, wouldn'cha say? Heh.

Losing My Marbles?

I could have sworn I posted this already...and I don't remember scrubbing it...could I have a phantom blog-thief? Or am I losing my marbles??

I could have sworn I just told you about the outcome of our little Mother's Day prank...how our friendly neighbor Brian rose to the occasion and graffiti'd his shirt as we had his fence? I just know I did!

And then I put up a smooch pic...like this one...

One fashion tip I forgot to mention before...did you know you can turn a pink bob wig into an unappealing pink mullet simply by wearing it upside-down?

Hi Mom!

I can't spend Mother's Day with my mom anymore, but I thought you'd like to hear what a great day I had with my two daughters! We started things off at Pastor Kaleb's Sunday Service and Mother's Day Brunch, featuring Match Game Belltown's Pastor Kaleb!  My co-MILFs Lana Lure and Beaux Djangles were also in attendance...each with a daughter of their own...and we were treated to a memorable sermon and a tasty brunch prepared by Chef Eric Padget...each plate prepared with loving care - just like mom - including fresh baked biscuits topped with a savory sausage gravy, fluffy scrambled eggs, sizzling sausage links, roasted red potatoes, fresh and plump fruits, and perfectly poached eggs benny!  I enjoyed mine with a tasty Bloody Mary, natch.

Refreshed and ready for anything, we gals trekked across town to have a terriblehhh civilized afternoon tea at the Bunny Ranch with the legendary Mister Angelo...you can call him Angelo. It was a beautiful day...for a change...and simply sensational soaking in some sun while swooning to the strains of angelic Angelo and his amazing accordian!

 And of course, no Mother's Day would be complete without rounding up the kiddies and spending a little quality time vandalizing private property! This arty little house...

...had this big, long, empty fence running down the side, see?...and we couldn't help ourselves, see?...and we happened to know that the owner was out of town visiting his mom. Naturally, we wanted to let him know that we'd stopped by. So we decorated his fence for him...just a little dab o'color to brighten it up...

Do you know how hard it is to take away a can of spray paint from a five-year-old girl once you've shown her how it works...or a fifteen-year-old girl...or a fifty-year-old girl? I don't want to say things may have gotten a little out of hand...but things may have gotten a little out of hand...

Hope he likes it! Oh, and by the way, I haven't the slightest idea who this person is...

...looks like trouble...come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I saw that mug on the Post Office wall recently!

Tramps and Vamps

I can't believe I've lived as long as I have without knowing this movie existed...Good To See You Again, Alice Cooper! Thrill to piano smashing! Destruction via a pink bulldozer! Leopard-print thigh-high platform boots! And one of my favorite tunes ~ The Lady is a Tramp!



Which reminds me...I actually REWROTE the lyrics to this song to suit my own particular tastes, and I'd like to share them with you now if I may. It goes a little somethin' like this:

I've never dined at Mickey D's
Burger King or Sonic
In fact, sometimes I'll skip the food
And have a gin and tonic

A Glamorous Gal with Gams like these is lazy as a rule
And knows a couple secrets that they didn't teach in school

Although I rarely do the things I should
I make sure that I do 'em lookin' good...

I get so horny at 7 or 8
I love a party and stayin' out late
I know these legs are some dangerous bait
That's why the Lady is a Vamp!

I like strip poker with Barons and Earls
Just give me lingerie, perfume and pearls
I'm proud to say I'm one of 'those' kind of girls
That's why the Lady is a Vamp!

I like to keep men under my heel
What's the big deal?
Me?? a SLUT? So what!!
Hate exercising ~ it gives me a cramp
That's why the Lady is a Vamp!

Never wear blue jeans or my hair in a net
I love Dom Perignon with a French cigarette
Though men have chased me they ain't caught me yet
That's why the Lady is a Vamp!

I get my claws done each Friday at 4
I don't like ballgames - I think they're a bore
There's only one game where I like to score
That's why the Lady is a Vamp!

I like to keep boys strictly for play
What can I say?
Me? a tease? Oh, please!!!
Love misbehavin' ~ cuz I'm kind of a scamp
That's why the Lady is a Vamp!

Barbie Goes Ballistic

...and it doesn't look good for Ken...

Barbie cooks, cleans, supports the NRA...and she votes!

Poor Ken...laughable at best...

 We never really liked him anyway!

Once upon a time I owned the original 1962 Barbie Dream House, but I never dreamed this was the type of activity that went on behind closed doors! This voyeuristic view by Mariel Clayton!

The Blonde and the Beefcake

More blonde ambition! Here we have Vanessa misusing the gym equipment and her beefy bodybuilding buddies, who seem to be getting a kick out of it all...well, most of 'em, anyway. It's true she looks totally trendy with her electric green shorts and sequinned sweatbands...but can you imagine how annoyed the patrons at my local GOLD'S Gym would be if I tried a stunt like this? It's surely a recipe for danger...and I don't just mean the danger of stiffies in spandex! I'm begging you, girls and boys, it may look like all fun and games, but please don't try this at your local gym, GOLD'S or otherwise!

This Week's Excuse

It's like this, friends...I attended an artsy fartsy party earlier this week and, well...don't ask me how I got into one of the basement lockers in the first place...at the time, I could have sworn it was a stall in the ladies room!

For what seemed like days...weeks...I waited. My only thought was survival! Thankfully, I was able to stave off my thirst by nursing a complimentary flute of champagne...one sip at a time! When the janitor finally rescued me...


...I still looked fabulous despite my harrowing ordeal! Isn't that amazing? You'd never know I'd just had a brush with death! Anyway, given what I've been through, I'll just need a day or two to recover, alright, darlings? I'll be back ayessaypee!