Most Unwanted Holiday Gift List

Ohhhh, I guess it's That Time Of The Year again, folks. Those holly-jolly-filled-to-the-brim-with-joy holidays! Two solid months of Music! Lights! Festivity! Consumerism! Door-Buster Sale tramplings! Seasonal depression! And did I mention JOY?

My adorable grandmother, Granny Galore, couldn't see well enough to go out shopping alone, so she devised a unique solution to her holiday shopping needs. She'd always randomly order dozens of items from those gadgety Lillian Vernon and Spencer Gifts catalogs, and have them pre-wrapped. She never bothered to check what was what, so we never knew what surprises lay in store Xmas morning...and neither did she. In fact, she was always as surprised as we were when we opened our gifts.

 Me: "Gee Granny, thanks for this ingenious egg separator. It's just what I wanted."
 Her: "Oh, did I get you that?? For heavens sake...why did you want that dumb thing?"

So, in the spirit of good ol' Granny, I've scoured the interwebs to find unusual and possibly even useful items to create a gift list which will hopefully inspire you and your own imaginative gift-giving! These selections may not be for everyone...but do you really care, as long as YOU like it? It's the SPIRIT of giving that counts!

I mean, wouldn't that avid gardener on your gift list simply adore this Rubber Squirrel Mask? Looks terrific with plaid, and the squirrels will love it!

How about something for that special lady? If she loves squirrels as much as you do, she will go NUTS over these dainty Squirrel-Foot Earrings, trimmed in 14K gold filigree!

More precious than the most precious stone...these Deer Poop Earrings will let her know how you feel about her, without saying a word...

And if she's the kind of gal who loves swatting flies and stomping on helpless insects...without sacrificing style...she will jump for joy when she receives these rhinestone-studded Taran-Shoe-La's!!

Now here's something fun and useful for your playboy boss, neighborhood misogynist, or any other asshole on your list...because Stupid Tools love stupid tools! This one is sturdy, solid hardwood...and it even includes four colored pencils!

Every kid that walks alone in the rain needs a Flip-Off Umbrella like this to deter predators that may be approaching from behind. Chances are, the elementary school staff will get a big kick out of it, too! Now THAT'S spreading the joy!!

Everybody's got a craaaazy Uncle...right? What could be more perfect than one of those goofy  Bobbleheads?? Especially when the bobbler is another craaaazy guy...the irrepressible GG Allin!

Perfect for hiking and hunting...in any weather...these custom-made Sexy Diva boots are just the thing for that favorite street-walker on your list...

And don't forget your friends that run that terrific Jewish delicatessen on your block! They are sure to get a hoot out of these Commemorative Wine Decanters! Fill 'em with Manischewiz and let the fun begin!

Now you've got the idea! Happy Holiday Shopping, darlings! Mwaaahhhh!

Dolls in Drag

Ooooh-lalaaaa!  I simply can't help myself from gossiping about a certain famous Blonde-Around-Town who's recently turned Drag Queen!!...according to my daily dose of Blonde Ambition......

...none other than....Barbie??....... and isn't she freakin' fabulous??

Drag Queen Barbie just-so-happens to be coming out this December, and I'd just like to be the first to say, Santa, I would blow you for a chance to see this bitch under my tree come Xmas morning! Me first! Me first!!

Opulent Ornaments

One for every day 'til Xmas!

Find more glamorous glass ornaments here!

Don't Forget Dad!

The good thing about fathers on Fathers Day...unlike mothers on Mothers Day...is that they don't really seem to notice, or care, whether you give them a gift or not. Yet deep down inside you know Dad would be pretty darn tickled if you tried to make a great impression on him for a change! May I suggest one of the following gifts that are sure to please...

If you're not worried about giving Dad his gift today, perhaps you could give a corny card to tide him over while you order him his very own Bad Dad custom-designed Kawasaki!

If you don't have that kind of cash on hand...or a golden motorcycle just isn't practical, for whatever reason...then perhaps these golden money bag cufflinks would be a more appropriate gift for that grand o' guy! Especially impressive at poker parties, strip clubs, and all-night casinos...if only Mom would let Dad go to those kinds of places...

Don'tcha know every darn Dad in the US of A dreams of a custom-made bowling pin, whether he's a bowler or not! This dynamite Daddy-O one is beautifully done and costs a fortune, but with a little imagination and a smidge of artistic talent you could design a special one for your Daddy! Didn't he teach you to be resourceful?

In a hurry and need something tonight? This tempting bacon-topped apple pie is quick 'n' easy! Obviously you don't have time to bake the pie from scratch right now...but it doesn't matter...Dad won't notice! Run right down to any bakery and pick up a fresh-baked apple pie, or if you must, find a decent frozen one. Fry eight slices of bacon and arrange them atop the pie in a basket-weave pattern. If you've been forced to choose a frozen pie, it can be baking in the oven while you fry the bacon to a golden brown...either way you score!!

In an even bigger hurry? How about a big wad of cash? Every Dad appreciates money...by George, he's worked his whole life to put food in your belly and send you to college...now it's time to show him you've learned the fine art of reciprocation! This gift looks especially nice if presented with the largest bill showing. Dad will be so thrilled he might even spring for dinner and drinks!

Happy Fathers Day to all you adorable Dads out there!
Mwah!

Dear Santa...

I've been good this year. Here's a short list of Gam-a-licious items I'm sure I deserve! Love, Gams

1. This "Gams Galore" glass ornament would look fabulous on my tree...if only I had one.

2. Bejeweled license plate frames (with Swarovski crystal bolts) to surround my customized GAMS plates...as soon as I get them, anyway.

3. Swarovski-encrusted pink heart-shaped pasties...just because.

4. This G-string Clip can be personalized with a big ol' GG! Can'tcha just picture it, Santa?

5. These drop earrings...or just about anything from the GUESS Collection...always a Gams Galore favorite, you know, because of their "G" logos!

6. A ga-ga-gargantuan bottle of the most glamorous fragrance to ever glamourize a Golden Gullet... Moschino Glamour opens with sparkling accords of tangerine blossom with seductive artemisia, crystallized with harmony of sea salt aromas. The heart encompasses an ironic contrast of ingredients and highlights intensive colours and velvety aromas of hibiscus and cattleya orchid combined with tacts of exotic and transparent lotus flower. Base notes introduce final seduction of unexpected and delicate-sensual amber and cedar, wrapped with inapprehensible white musk.

7. This.

I'm a Barbie Girl

These were the Barbies I remember playing with as a child in the early sixties...



Three dollars...with clothes and accessories under five dollars! Well, well...I must say, girlfriend has certainly come up in the world! By now she's certainly forgotten her sordid past as a sex doll...today's Barbie collector will pay a pretty penny for some serious Barbie bling! You can, too!

Is $50 too much to pay for Evening Splendor? Here's the reproduction of that classic ensemble...only $49.98!

For $10 more you can have your own, lifesize classic golden clutch...it's Sealed with a Golden Kiss!...for only $60!

If you lay awake nights wondering what to do with that extra cash you have laying around, and whether a studded pink leather jacket is a good investment...your problem is solved! This limited edition of Night Out will remind you of all your foolish choices...fashionable and monetary! Best of all, darling, it's only $5,000!

Fact is, I've always been crazy about that black-and-white strapless top...a bonafide Barbie classic! So, when I found that I could have one of my very own, studded with rhinestones, no less...it began a thought process: I suppose I could cash in that inheritance from my grandma...the fact that she worked her entire life to save it is irrelevant. This is fucking couture, okay? $10,000 is nothing.

Or, for a little less cash, I could really fall for this Locks of Light chandelier! Honestly, I can't imagine hanging it over my dining table (as I'd imagine hairs falling into my tuna casserole)...but I can imagine it in my boudoir as a symbol of my blonde ambition. Imagine...only $9,000!

One more selection from The Blonde Collection...serious bling in the shape of a ring...are you Blonded By the Light? You should at least see stars for $12,500!

Here's the ultimate gift: Foosbarbie! Ya know, the good thing about Barbies is that they just keep on smilin'...despite bad hair days...despite being stripped naked and forced into contorted positions and poor fashion decisions...despite the fact they've had their arms amputated and been skewered like shrimps on the Barbie for your foosball enjoyment. $25,000. I'd love to get this for my pal Babe of Belltown, but now I've spent all my money on The Blonde Collection!

Why Don'tcha?

Here's a goddess I love to worship...the goddess Diana...Diana Vreeland, that is! For her daring vision...her impeccable taste...her eclectic eye...her sensational style sense...her chutzpa! Back in the 30's-40's, when she wrote for Harper's Bazaar, D.V. created an exceptionally popular column called "Why Don't You?" Her suggestions were colorful, outrageous, and uninhibitedly glamorous!

Not long ago I found a rare Bazaar photo/article anthology ~ copyright 1913-1967 ~ at the Children's Orthopedic Hospital Thrift Store. This lovely volume...bound in purple!...features: "100 years of the American female - the sumptuous - the expensive - the precious - the moneyed - the luxe - the tasteful - the opulent - and the amusing woman from Bazaar"...and includes an entire page of D.V.'s trendy tips! Charming as ever, but some of her suggestions were rah-thah provincial, dah-ling!

I decided to channel the glamorous ghost of Mrs. Vreeland for her blessing, and having done so, I've now taken her suggestions one sensational step further by enhancing a few of her wonderfully original visions to suit today's tastes! And so...with no further ado, may I ask...

Why Don'tcha?...

..."sweep into the drawing-room on your first big night with an enormous red-fox muff of many skins?" G.G. suggests stopping everyone in their tracks by showing up in a snazzy red faux-chinchilla wrap!


..."remember how delicious champagne cocktails are after tennis or golf? Indifferent champagne can be used for these." G.G. suggests not settling for indifferent...how about some potent potables with Pinky Vodka instead?


..."knit yourself a little skullcap?" G.G. hears that crocheting is easier than knitting and suggests creating a pair of dainty pink gloves like these: (or D.V.'s favorite: violet mittens!)


..."tie black tulle bows on your wrists?" G.G. thinks you'll cause a helluva lot more excitement by wearing rhinestone-encrusted brass knuckles instead!


..."put all your dogs in bright yellow collars and leads like all the dogs in Paris?" G.G. suggests Fido flaunt his furry fashion sense in a bright orange jogging suit!


...and to top it off, howzabout one of these colorful, snappy caps? These are certainly nothin' to sniff at!



If you don't know much about the divine Mrs.V but wish you did..."Why Don'tcha?" check this article out? xo

The Twelve Gifts of Xmas

On the First Day of Xmas my True Love gave to me...


...A Present as Crappy as can be!

On the Second Day of Xmas my True Love gave to me...


...Cat Food Soap and A Present as Crappy as can be!

On the Third Day of Xmas my True Love gave to me...


...One Outrageous Doormat, Cat Food Soap and A Present as Crappy as can be!

On the Fourth Day of Xmas my True Love gave to me...


...Horror Baby Votive, One Outrageous Doormat, Cat Food Soap and A Present as Crappy as can be!

On the Fifth Day of Xmas my True Love gave to me...


...BOX FULL OF HOPE!!! Horror Baby Votive, Bad Doormat, Cat Food Soap and A Present as Crappy as can be!

On the Sixth Day of Xmas my True Love gave to me...


...Frosty the Flowman...BOX FULL OF HOPE!!! Horror Baby Votive, Bad Doormat, Cat Food Soap and A Present as Crappy as can be!

On the Seventh Day of Xmas my True Love gave to me...


...Facehugger Plush Toy, Frosty the Flowman...BOX FULL OF HOPE!!! Horror Baby Votive, Bad Doormat, Cat Food Soap and A Present as Crappy as can be!

On the Eighth Day of Xmas my True Love gave to me...


...Drunken Pirate Opener, Facehugger Plush Toy, Frosty the Flowman...BOX FULL OF HOPE!!! Horror Baby Votive, Bad Doormat, Cat Food Soap and A Present as Crappy as can be!

On the Ninth Day of Xmas my True Love gave to me...


...Homeless Duvet Set, Drunken Pirate Opener, Facehugger Plush Toy, Frosty the Flowman...BOX FULL OF HOPE!!! Horror Baby Votive, Bad Doormat, Cat Food Soap and A Present as Crappy as can be!

On the Tenth Day of Xmas my True Love gave to me...


...One Swingin' Alien, Homeless Duvet Set, Drunken Pirate Opener, Facehugger Plush Toy, Frosty the Flowman...BOX FULL OF HOPE!!! Horror Baby Votive, Bad Doormat, Cat Food Soap and A Present as Crappy as can be!

On the Eleventh Day of Xmas my True Love gave to me...


...Flying Monkey Nutcracker, One Swingin' Alien, Homeless Duvet Set, Drunken Pirate Opener, Facehugger Plush Toy, Frosty the Flowman...BOX FULL OF HOPE!!! Horror Baby Votive, Bad Doormat, Cat Food Soap and A Present as Crappy as can be!

On the Twelfth Day of Xmas my True Love gave to me...


...I'm Not Sure What This Is, Flying Monkey Nutcracker, One Swingin' Alien, Homeless Duvet Set, Drunken Pirate Opener, Facehugger Plush Toy, Frosty the Flowman...BOX FULL OF HOPE!!! Horror Baby Votive, Bad Doormat, Cat Food Soap...


...and A Present as Crappy as can be!!! Happy Holidays with Love!! xoxo

(All gift ideas above are Nerd Approved)