Merkins Galore

One for each day of the week!

Loungin' Around...

My friends, I just know you were wondering, "Where, oh where, has our little Gams gone?" Well, just so you know, I have not been loungin' around the pool poppin' bon-bons all day......ok, just part of the day! The rest of the time I've been busy as a bee-yotch getting some decorating done around the ol' homestead...do you like what I've done so far??

And of course, I've been pounding the pavement in my patent leather pumps, trying to get gigs wherever, whenever...birthday parties, wedding receptions, bachelor parties, bar mitzvahs, church bake sales...whatever pays the bills. So, a couple weekends ago, I was lucky enough to be invited to perform at a going-away party for my pal, Sven Henry. A crazy little jet-setter, that Sven Henry, darting back and forth regularly from Seattle to the Big Apple...I think he gets to have a lot of going-away parties that way.

Anyway, this particular soiree' took place in the Green Room at Seattle's historic Showbox Theatre...it was a cozy little space...in fact, back in the 40's, it was a music store called Kern's that often hosted live performances by stars visiting town, like Nat King Cole, Sarah Vaughan and Frank Sinatra. Sixty years later, your pal Gams had the pleasure of sharing the stage with Lady Krishna's Peppermint Lounge and special guests, the enchanting Stella Rose...the fuh-lex-ible Cassidy who had the most remarkable gams (for a b-o-y!)...and the irrepressible Jackie Hell!

I'm sure you can guess how much I l-o-v-e-d the stage set done by Lady Krishna...lingerie hanging on the line and kitsch galore...I hear her entire house is like that...it's a lifestyle, I tell ya. Sven Henry requested that I sing my sickly version of Fever, and I never turn down a request, so I can only hope nobody caught anything from me! These wonderful pics were taken by photographer Kevin Kauer.

Be Back Soon...

...but in the meantime...four Gams are better than none! xoxo

Princess Pink Dress

Once upon a time there was a Picky Little Bitch who couldn't go to the ball because she hadn't a thing to wear...not that she hadn't tried! She'd gone from town to town, and modeled many a gown, but nothing seemed quite right. So, rather than being seen in her modest rags, she waited forlornly at home, feeling sorry for herself...when...POOF! who should appear but her charming Fairy GodMILF!

"Hey Bitch, dry your tears! It just so happens I'm packing a certain little castaway confection here..." She waved her magic wand, and what should appear but a luscious frock, fit for the daintiest of princesses! Layers of perfectly pale pink tulle, sensuous satin and clouds of chiffon...and hand-sewn!...all the way down to the rhinestone-studded straps. Heavenly! It was love at first sight for PLB, and she scrambled to try it on.





"It's meant to be a little tight," FGM said encouragingly.

But try as she might, it was physically impossible for PLB to fit into the glamorous gown. "I'm too big a Bitch to fit into this glamorous gown!" she cried.

"Awwww well...we tried! Sorry...guess you'll be staying home tonite after all. But perhaps you know another maiden who would fit into such a pretty dancing dress? Look, I'll leave it here with you...if nothing else, maybe you can let it out a little!" And with that, FGM disappeared in a poof of glitter.

PLB knew that the dress was much too fragile to be taken out at the seams. It would never work...never! But she loved the dress so much that she decided to keep it in her care for awhile, lovingly naming it Princess Pink Dress. PLB and PPD got along well together for many years, but the time finally came when PLB knew PPD needed more in a relationship. And so began the search for someone...anyone...who would fit into the magical pink frock. Many maidens tried, from young to old, yet none could get that damned zipper closed!

Then one day, while traveling thru the Emerald City, PLB heard tell of one of the fairest, tiniest maidens in the land ~ star of burlesque, dance, circus and cabaret, known as The Little Blonde Bomb ~ Inga Ingenue. PLB knew then, like Cinderella's glass slipper, the precious pastel gown was made for fair maiden Inga. Surely a dress that ladylike would befit such a pristine, dainty and demure little lady!



Alas, perhaps the maiden Inga is a little more down and dirty than dainty and demure, but nevertheless...she'd look lovely in that dress!

One day their paths may cross...until then, Princess Pink Dress waits patiently in her closet, surrounded by other faded beauties from prom days long ago. The End.

Ode to Aurora Borealis

I dream't my name was Alice
And I wish't I had a phallus ~
I lived at
The Palace Borealis


While I drank from my chalice
And watched reruns of Dallas ~
I wore my
Aurora Borealis


I don't mean any malice
Altho this sounds quite callous ~
But who needs a phallus
When you've got
Aurora Borealis?

Ooh LaLa! La Femme

Now here's what every glamorous gal needs...especially me...a pink and pretty 1955 Dodge La Femme! Alas, I was born too late, because now they are extremely rare...but I'm telling you, one of these days when I'm filthy fucking rich, I'm going to hunt one down...I just know we'd be best friends...we're about the same age, we're both entirely glamorous and we both love pink rosebuds!

Imagine...a two-tone Heather Rose color scheme....upholstery with pink rosebuds on a pale pink background, pale pink vinyl trim, and some fabulous standard equipment: stowed in a special compartment built into the back of the passenger seat was a purse that matched the interior, containing a compact, lipstick, cigarette case, lighter and change purse! I guess some executive at Dodge (or some executive's wife) figured you could discreetly climb into the back seat and freshen your makeup after your exhausting drive! Wait a minute...are you telling me that ladies in the 50's didn't do their makeup while driving, like they do now?? Sheesh! During rush hour I can do my makeup, nails and hair, smoke a cig and knit a sweater while talking on the phone...and still have plenty of time for some good old-fashioned road rage.



Oh, and because La Femme was designed with Her Majesty in mind, it also came standard with an umbrella, raincoat and rain bonnet in the same charming rosebud pattern as the interior. I don't know about you, but I never leave the house without my rain bonnet, so that must have been a real bonus!



Now for the first time anywhere, a car glamorously, Personally Yours! Don't I wish!

LBD-lovely!

It's D-lightful! It's D-licious! It's D-lovely! This thrift-shopping success story starts at my beloved local Goodwill...I'm telling you, the racks are so over-packed there, you'll often find items that have been unwittingly misplaced...so just to be on the safe side, I go through everything! It's often worth a potentially fruitless search...case in point ~ this adorable Miss Rita LBD, size 12, which stood out because of it's metal zipper (I can spot one from across the store)...but hold on a second...a-ha!! that's a vintage size 12, which roughly equals today's size 4. So there she was, petite Miss Rita from California, waiting for me amongst the size 12 frocks...$7.99?...she never looked lovelier! Her charming tag is still attached, so I know she's never been out on the town before...but look at those sassy loops around her hemline and you'll see she's ready to go have some fun!