Goldie Gown

My fanatical thrift-shopping friend, Babe of Belltown, is forever gifting me with fabulous finds from his fashion forays! He's given me some great stuff over the years....like my silver leather trench coat, for instance...he knows The Gams goes for The Glitz! So, true to form, Babe recently presented me with the most golden Golden Gown I've ever gawked at...incredibly, a vintage Jessica McClintock Gunne Sax creation! I've named her Goldie...because she practically insisted!

Photos don't do her justice...she's really got to be seen to be believed! I like to think of her as sort of a mullet of a gown...respectable, simple lines up front...party in the back!!

So here's the front...she's strapless, floor length and, miraculously, just the right length as well!

Just look at the fabulous sequining!

Ok, now take a peek at the back!

Not only is there this fabulous bow closure that hides the zipper...

...but a fuckin' bustle!  I've lifted her skirt here so you can see the amount of tulle going on underneath!

And, of course...the label!

It says 5-6 but she's kidding...she's more of a 1-2...which is probably why she was orphaned in the first place. I can barely squeeze into her, and I usually swim in a 5-6...vintage sizing can be confusing. In any case, Goldie and I will be sharing the stage tonight during my vocal performance at ROCK-A-RAISE! 

Thanks, Babe! Mwwwahhhhh!

Princess Pink Dress

Once upon a time there was a Picky Little Bitch who couldn't go to the ball because she hadn't a thing to wear...not that she hadn't tried! She'd gone from town to town, and modeled many a gown, but nothing seemed quite right. So, rather than being seen in her modest rags, she waited forlornly at home, feeling sorry for herself...when...POOF! who should appear but her charming Fairy GodMILF!

"Hey Bitch, dry your tears! It just so happens I'm packing a certain little castaway confection here..." She waved her magic wand, and what should appear but a luscious frock, fit for the daintiest of princesses! Layers of perfectly pale pink tulle, sensuous satin and clouds of chiffon...and hand-sewn!...all the way down to the rhinestone-studded straps. Heavenly! It was love at first sight for PLB, and she scrambled to try it on.





"It's meant to be a little tight," FGM said encouragingly.

But try as she might, it was physically impossible for PLB to fit into the glamorous gown. "I'm too big a Bitch to fit into this glamorous gown!" she cried.

"Awwww well...we tried! Sorry...guess you'll be staying home tonite after all. But perhaps you know another maiden who would fit into such a pretty dancing dress? Look, I'll leave it here with you...if nothing else, maybe you can let it out a little!" And with that, FGM disappeared in a poof of glitter.

PLB knew that the dress was much too fragile to be taken out at the seams. It would never work...never! But she loved the dress so much that she decided to keep it in her care for awhile, lovingly naming it Princess Pink Dress. PLB and PPD got along well together for many years, but the time finally came when PLB knew PPD needed more in a relationship. And so began the search for someone...anyone...who would fit into the magical pink frock. Many maidens tried, from young to old, yet none could get that damned zipper closed!

Then one day, while traveling thru the Emerald City, PLB heard tell of one of the fairest, tiniest maidens in the land ~ star of burlesque, dance, circus and cabaret, known as The Little Blonde Bomb ~ Inga Ingenue. PLB knew then, like Cinderella's glass slipper, the precious pastel gown was made for fair maiden Inga. Surely a dress that ladylike would befit such a pristine, dainty and demure little lady!



Alas, perhaps the maiden Inga is a little more down and dirty than dainty and demure, but nevertheless...she'd look lovely in that dress!

One day their paths may cross...until then, Princess Pink Dress waits patiently in her closet, surrounded by other faded beauties from prom days long ago. The End.

LBD-lovely!

It's D-lightful! It's D-licious! It's D-lovely! This thrift-shopping success story starts at my beloved local Goodwill...I'm telling you, the racks are so over-packed there, you'll often find items that have been unwittingly misplaced...so just to be on the safe side, I go through everything! It's often worth a potentially fruitless search...case in point ~ this adorable Miss Rita LBD, size 12, which stood out because of it's metal zipper (I can spot one from across the store)...but hold on a second...a-ha!! that's a vintage size 12, which roughly equals today's size 4. So there she was, petite Miss Rita from California, waiting for me amongst the size 12 frocks...$7.99?...she never looked lovelier! Her charming tag is still attached, so I know she's never been out on the town before...but look at those sassy loops around her hemline and you'll see she's ready to go have some fun!